My current PI is telling me that I am a very shy person and he is really pissed off, what I should do?












8















Today in the lab we had a birthday, I had participated, but not so much as I feel anxious in crowded areas. I felt very shy and that's true, so I withdrew from the party after 15 minutes and wished everyone well.



Later, my PI informed me that he is extremely pissed off and did not like the fact that I am a very shy person. I am supposed to select a potential supervisor; the one whose work I am interested in also has an aloof character. The PI (head of the lab) informed me that he cannot assign two shy people to work together (me and the prospective supervisor) as he thought we are going to fail to make significant work.



The ugly truth is that I am an indeed shy girl for many years and I lose many social opportunities, likely marriage opportunities because I don't interact so much as other girls. However, I look very confident in voluntary works, teaching and giving talks.



I know it sounds controversial, however, I began to lose my self-confidence and esteem although I had a strong character.



The question: How I should react towards this?










share|improve this question




















  • 4





    It seems that English is not your native language (which is fine). Just to be sure, is 'shy' the exact word used by the PI?

    – Emilie
    9 hours ago






  • 14





    You're not the problem, your PI is. While it is true that social activities have positive impacts in the working environment and benefit professional relationships, I think - as a team leader - that not attending social activities should never be an additional disadvantage on top of the missed benefit. Everyone is different and you definitely showed the will to attend by showing up for a fair amount of time. That said, I unfortunately don't have any further advice for you.

    – FuzzyLeapfrog
    9 hours ago






  • 1





    Is your PI simply upset that you are looking to leave as he has found out and it's not about "shy"? See academia.stackexchange.com/q/124482/72855

    – Solar Mike
    9 hours ago






  • 1





    That last comment is not clear - do you mean "he doesn't want to keep me in the lab" ? Ahh, you just edited that comment - clarity and precision in the post and comments would help...

    – Solar Mike
    9 hours ago








  • 4





    While I would not get pissed off by this, leaving a birthday party after 15 minutes can be interpreted as rude or a message that you don't like that particular person, and can get some people upset.... Also, you kinda sent the message that you don't want to spend any time with the people you probably will work together with for hours everyday.

    – Nick S
    4 hours ago


















8















Today in the lab we had a birthday, I had participated, but not so much as I feel anxious in crowded areas. I felt very shy and that's true, so I withdrew from the party after 15 minutes and wished everyone well.



Later, my PI informed me that he is extremely pissed off and did not like the fact that I am a very shy person. I am supposed to select a potential supervisor; the one whose work I am interested in also has an aloof character. The PI (head of the lab) informed me that he cannot assign two shy people to work together (me and the prospective supervisor) as he thought we are going to fail to make significant work.



The ugly truth is that I am an indeed shy girl for many years and I lose many social opportunities, likely marriage opportunities because I don't interact so much as other girls. However, I look very confident in voluntary works, teaching and giving talks.



I know it sounds controversial, however, I began to lose my self-confidence and esteem although I had a strong character.



The question: How I should react towards this?










share|improve this question




















  • 4





    It seems that English is not your native language (which is fine). Just to be sure, is 'shy' the exact word used by the PI?

    – Emilie
    9 hours ago






  • 14





    You're not the problem, your PI is. While it is true that social activities have positive impacts in the working environment and benefit professional relationships, I think - as a team leader - that not attending social activities should never be an additional disadvantage on top of the missed benefit. Everyone is different and you definitely showed the will to attend by showing up for a fair amount of time. That said, I unfortunately don't have any further advice for you.

    – FuzzyLeapfrog
    9 hours ago






  • 1





    Is your PI simply upset that you are looking to leave as he has found out and it's not about "shy"? See academia.stackexchange.com/q/124482/72855

    – Solar Mike
    9 hours ago






  • 1





    That last comment is not clear - do you mean "he doesn't want to keep me in the lab" ? Ahh, you just edited that comment - clarity and precision in the post and comments would help...

    – Solar Mike
    9 hours ago








  • 4





    While I would not get pissed off by this, leaving a birthday party after 15 minutes can be interpreted as rude or a message that you don't like that particular person, and can get some people upset.... Also, you kinda sent the message that you don't want to spend any time with the people you probably will work together with for hours everyday.

    – Nick S
    4 hours ago
















8












8








8


2






Today in the lab we had a birthday, I had participated, but not so much as I feel anxious in crowded areas. I felt very shy and that's true, so I withdrew from the party after 15 minutes and wished everyone well.



Later, my PI informed me that he is extremely pissed off and did not like the fact that I am a very shy person. I am supposed to select a potential supervisor; the one whose work I am interested in also has an aloof character. The PI (head of the lab) informed me that he cannot assign two shy people to work together (me and the prospective supervisor) as he thought we are going to fail to make significant work.



The ugly truth is that I am an indeed shy girl for many years and I lose many social opportunities, likely marriage opportunities because I don't interact so much as other girls. However, I look very confident in voluntary works, teaching and giving talks.



I know it sounds controversial, however, I began to lose my self-confidence and esteem although I had a strong character.



The question: How I should react towards this?










share|improve this question
















Today in the lab we had a birthday, I had participated, but not so much as I feel anxious in crowded areas. I felt very shy and that's true, so I withdrew from the party after 15 minutes and wished everyone well.



Later, my PI informed me that he is extremely pissed off and did not like the fact that I am a very shy person. I am supposed to select a potential supervisor; the one whose work I am interested in also has an aloof character. The PI (head of the lab) informed me that he cannot assign two shy people to work together (me and the prospective supervisor) as he thought we are going to fail to make significant work.



The ugly truth is that I am an indeed shy girl for many years and I lose many social opportunities, likely marriage opportunities because I don't interact so much as other girls. However, I look very confident in voluntary works, teaching and giving talks.



I know it sounds controversial, however, I began to lose my self-confidence and esteem although I had a strong character.



The question: How I should react towards this?







research-process advisor supervision workplace






share|improve this question















share|improve this question













share|improve this question




share|improve this question








edited 3 hours ago









M. M.

1413




1413










asked 9 hours ago









MonkiaMonkia

1809




1809








  • 4





    It seems that English is not your native language (which is fine). Just to be sure, is 'shy' the exact word used by the PI?

    – Emilie
    9 hours ago






  • 14





    You're not the problem, your PI is. While it is true that social activities have positive impacts in the working environment and benefit professional relationships, I think - as a team leader - that not attending social activities should never be an additional disadvantage on top of the missed benefit. Everyone is different and you definitely showed the will to attend by showing up for a fair amount of time. That said, I unfortunately don't have any further advice for you.

    – FuzzyLeapfrog
    9 hours ago






  • 1





    Is your PI simply upset that you are looking to leave as he has found out and it's not about "shy"? See academia.stackexchange.com/q/124482/72855

    – Solar Mike
    9 hours ago






  • 1





    That last comment is not clear - do you mean "he doesn't want to keep me in the lab" ? Ahh, you just edited that comment - clarity and precision in the post and comments would help...

    – Solar Mike
    9 hours ago








  • 4





    While I would not get pissed off by this, leaving a birthday party after 15 minutes can be interpreted as rude or a message that you don't like that particular person, and can get some people upset.... Also, you kinda sent the message that you don't want to spend any time with the people you probably will work together with for hours everyday.

    – Nick S
    4 hours ago
















  • 4





    It seems that English is not your native language (which is fine). Just to be sure, is 'shy' the exact word used by the PI?

    – Emilie
    9 hours ago






  • 14





    You're not the problem, your PI is. While it is true that social activities have positive impacts in the working environment and benefit professional relationships, I think - as a team leader - that not attending social activities should never be an additional disadvantage on top of the missed benefit. Everyone is different and you definitely showed the will to attend by showing up for a fair amount of time. That said, I unfortunately don't have any further advice for you.

    – FuzzyLeapfrog
    9 hours ago






  • 1





    Is your PI simply upset that you are looking to leave as he has found out and it's not about "shy"? See academia.stackexchange.com/q/124482/72855

    – Solar Mike
    9 hours ago






  • 1





    That last comment is not clear - do you mean "he doesn't want to keep me in the lab" ? Ahh, you just edited that comment - clarity and precision in the post and comments would help...

    – Solar Mike
    9 hours ago








  • 4





    While I would not get pissed off by this, leaving a birthday party after 15 minutes can be interpreted as rude or a message that you don't like that particular person, and can get some people upset.... Also, you kinda sent the message that you don't want to spend any time with the people you probably will work together with for hours everyday.

    – Nick S
    4 hours ago










4




4





It seems that English is not your native language (which is fine). Just to be sure, is 'shy' the exact word used by the PI?

– Emilie
9 hours ago





It seems that English is not your native language (which is fine). Just to be sure, is 'shy' the exact word used by the PI?

– Emilie
9 hours ago




14




14





You're not the problem, your PI is. While it is true that social activities have positive impacts in the working environment and benefit professional relationships, I think - as a team leader - that not attending social activities should never be an additional disadvantage on top of the missed benefit. Everyone is different and you definitely showed the will to attend by showing up for a fair amount of time. That said, I unfortunately don't have any further advice for you.

– FuzzyLeapfrog
9 hours ago





You're not the problem, your PI is. While it is true that social activities have positive impacts in the working environment and benefit professional relationships, I think - as a team leader - that not attending social activities should never be an additional disadvantage on top of the missed benefit. Everyone is different and you definitely showed the will to attend by showing up for a fair amount of time. That said, I unfortunately don't have any further advice for you.

– FuzzyLeapfrog
9 hours ago




1




1





Is your PI simply upset that you are looking to leave as he has found out and it's not about "shy"? See academia.stackexchange.com/q/124482/72855

– Solar Mike
9 hours ago





Is your PI simply upset that you are looking to leave as he has found out and it's not about "shy"? See academia.stackexchange.com/q/124482/72855

– Solar Mike
9 hours ago




1




1





That last comment is not clear - do you mean "he doesn't want to keep me in the lab" ? Ahh, you just edited that comment - clarity and precision in the post and comments would help...

– Solar Mike
9 hours ago







That last comment is not clear - do you mean "he doesn't want to keep me in the lab" ? Ahh, you just edited that comment - clarity and precision in the post and comments would help...

– Solar Mike
9 hours ago






4




4





While I would not get pissed off by this, leaving a birthday party after 15 minutes can be interpreted as rude or a message that you don't like that particular person, and can get some people upset.... Also, you kinda sent the message that you don't want to spend any time with the people you probably will work together with for hours everyday.

– Nick S
4 hours ago







While I would not get pissed off by this, leaving a birthday party after 15 minutes can be interpreted as rude or a message that you don't like that particular person, and can get some people upset.... Also, you kinda sent the message that you don't want to spend any time with the people you probably will work together with for hours everyday.

– Nick S
4 hours ago












4 Answers
4






active

oldest

votes


















12














This answer will only focus on long term strategies that might help you avoid such situations as you move forward.



To succeed in academia you can't really seem to be shy and certainly not seen to be less of a contributor because of it. No matter how good your ideas are, if they don't get considered then you have very little impact.



However, that doesn't mean that you can't actually be shy, or introverted. Many successful scientists are very introverted and even some are quite far out on the autism spectrum. Shyness isn't a defect or a flaw, it is just a personal tendency. Introverted people, in fact, often are extremely productive as they gather internal strength from reflection, consideration, and thought.



But the trick is to learn to act as if you have a different set of preferences than you actually do. You can act like an extrovert naturally would even while remaining an introvert. You play a role in public situations that lets your thoughts and needs get notice in the deliberations and conversations.



But it is a skill that can be difficult to learn. I know, and I did it. The "face" that I show to the world has evolved over time. I once suffered from an "inability" to speak up when I should have and it cost me extra years in a doctoral program. But after that, I learned how to play the role so that my ideas weren't ignored by those with a bigger mouth.



In fact, you aren't limited by your shyness unless you let it overcome you. You can look people straight in the eye and explain your ideas to them. You don't need to defer to louder people.



One person, a friend, who is very prominent in the CS community and is a marvelous public speaker is naturally, and in person, extremely quiet and has some characteristics of autism. But he taught himself to do what needed to be done to have his ideas accepted and to act in public in a way that seems to others to be comfortable, even if it is not. One of his tricks was to join an acting group in which he learned how to "put on" a role and act within that role.



Some people just freeze when confronted. Other people explode into inappropriate behavior. Both of these need to be avoided. Practice is what you need to overcome them if you tend to do that. Preparation for meetings, with notes on what you might want to say can help.



Finally, let me note that people reading your several posts here probably don't think of you as a shy person. In your writing, you are able to say what you want to say. Some of that is the anonymity that the site affords. In a sense, you can hide the "real you" behind a certain invented persona. The trick is to learn to do that same thing in person. Invent a persona for yourself and act in the way it suggests, hiding your "real self". Yes, I do the same thing here as Buffy.






share|improve this answer





















  • 1





    Buffy, thanks so much for this answer! I touched me deeply and especially the last paragraph.

    – Monkia
    2 hours ago





















14














The situation is hard to evaluate without knowing exactly what the PI told you. I feel, however, that the problem here is not necessarely that you are a shy or timid person, but that you did not respect a unwritten social convention.




Today, in the lab we have a birthday, I had participated, but not so much as I feel anxious in the crowded areas. I felt very shy and that's is true, I withdraw from the party after 15 minutes and wished everyone the good.




Birthday parties or other celebrations are often moments where links between colleagues are created. In some cultures, leaving off after 15 minutes could be considered rude.




The PI ( head of the lab) informed I cannot assign two shy people to work together ( me and the prospective supervisor) as he thought we are going to fail to make a significant work.




This is a very strange thing to say to a prospective student, but, as research involves communication, the PI might fear that two extremely shy person could have problems with that essential part of research.



From your own account, you seem anxious in social events but you say that this is not a problem in professional event. You could ask for a meeting with the PI and simply explain that; ideally, you would provide proofs by the things you did that professional communication is not an issue.



However, I would suggest to be careful. If you found the PI rude now, you might want to find another lab.






share|improve this answer



















  • 3





    Emilie, actually I figured out that he is racist, he said that people from my same nationality are aloof and are not similar to people from his own nationality, I told him I am a special case and that is my personality. Actually, I am considering looking for other labs as I cannot endure this behaviour for a couple of years.

    – Monkia
    2 hours ago





















0














It's one of the more disgusting facets of our society that Type B people want to be left alone, but Type A people are rabid in their efforts to change Type B's into Type A's. I don't like noise but I'm told that I "don't like to have fun." Something is wrong with me because I'd like to be able to talk to the person I'm with rather than have a band screaming in my ears all night. And they NEED to fix me. What I consider fun isn't. Only what they consider fun.



This bigotry is subtle, pervasive and devastating. If your shyness is the result of an emotional disorder, all the more crushing and ostracizing this is. And probably no place is it so concentrated as academia (as you can witness on this stack exchange daily.) "You play by our rules or you don't play at all." Type A's are bullies, and that's exactly what this PI is doing. Either be just like him, always agree with him or he throws a tantrum and somehow it's YOUR fault.



What to do? Say, "You're trying to bully the wrong person," and walk away. Repeat as needed.






share|improve this answer































    -4














    End of the day, you need to buckle down and do good science. Run experiments. Write them up. Publish. Be a little motor that churns and works and moves forward. Not one that is always asking questions. [This is the answer to "what should I do?" Which is the actual question part of your story.]



    P.s. On the marriage concerns, this site is very persnickety about off topic posting. Personally I think there is nothing wrong with your wanting a mate. I feel ya. It is a natural human biological drive. Our hearts are programmed for it. All that said, I doubt you will find reflective advice in many corners of the Internet. But if you want killer advice, I recommend joining a running club. The odds are good. And the goods are...good. [And I would avoid the "somebody was mean to me, what do I do" in any discussions with potential suitors.]






    share|improve this answer










    New contributor




    guest is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
    Check out our Code of Conduct.
















    • 1





      The OP never mention wanting to have a 'mate'. This part of the answer is highly inappropriate and irrelevant

      – Emilie
      5 hours ago






    • 3





      Third para: "I lose many social opportunities likely marriage opportunities"

      – guest
      5 hours ago






    • 3





      Yes, but she did not say she wanted one, she said she lost opportunities. Brushing off her preoccupation about her PI is not helping, but adding on top of that a reference to her marital situation sounds a lot like (unvoluntary) sexism.

      – Emilie
      5 hours ago











    • guest, I think you are kind to the extent you tried to give me the advice to enhance my social life which is off-topic, however, I do agree with your answer, your success in professional and personal complement each other, finding good people in work-place or in my life is a biological need and it is not restricted to a marriage itself.

      – Monkia
      2 hours ago













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    4 Answers
    4






    active

    oldest

    votes








    4 Answers
    4






    active

    oldest

    votes









    active

    oldest

    votes






    active

    oldest

    votes









    12














    This answer will only focus on long term strategies that might help you avoid such situations as you move forward.



    To succeed in academia you can't really seem to be shy and certainly not seen to be less of a contributor because of it. No matter how good your ideas are, if they don't get considered then you have very little impact.



    However, that doesn't mean that you can't actually be shy, or introverted. Many successful scientists are very introverted and even some are quite far out on the autism spectrum. Shyness isn't a defect or a flaw, it is just a personal tendency. Introverted people, in fact, often are extremely productive as they gather internal strength from reflection, consideration, and thought.



    But the trick is to learn to act as if you have a different set of preferences than you actually do. You can act like an extrovert naturally would even while remaining an introvert. You play a role in public situations that lets your thoughts and needs get notice in the deliberations and conversations.



    But it is a skill that can be difficult to learn. I know, and I did it. The "face" that I show to the world has evolved over time. I once suffered from an "inability" to speak up when I should have and it cost me extra years in a doctoral program. But after that, I learned how to play the role so that my ideas weren't ignored by those with a bigger mouth.



    In fact, you aren't limited by your shyness unless you let it overcome you. You can look people straight in the eye and explain your ideas to them. You don't need to defer to louder people.



    One person, a friend, who is very prominent in the CS community and is a marvelous public speaker is naturally, and in person, extremely quiet and has some characteristics of autism. But he taught himself to do what needed to be done to have his ideas accepted and to act in public in a way that seems to others to be comfortable, even if it is not. One of his tricks was to join an acting group in which he learned how to "put on" a role and act within that role.



    Some people just freeze when confronted. Other people explode into inappropriate behavior. Both of these need to be avoided. Practice is what you need to overcome them if you tend to do that. Preparation for meetings, with notes on what you might want to say can help.



    Finally, let me note that people reading your several posts here probably don't think of you as a shy person. In your writing, you are able to say what you want to say. Some of that is the anonymity that the site affords. In a sense, you can hide the "real you" behind a certain invented persona. The trick is to learn to do that same thing in person. Invent a persona for yourself and act in the way it suggests, hiding your "real self". Yes, I do the same thing here as Buffy.






    share|improve this answer





















    • 1





      Buffy, thanks so much for this answer! I touched me deeply and especially the last paragraph.

      – Monkia
      2 hours ago


















    12














    This answer will only focus on long term strategies that might help you avoid such situations as you move forward.



    To succeed in academia you can't really seem to be shy and certainly not seen to be less of a contributor because of it. No matter how good your ideas are, if they don't get considered then you have very little impact.



    However, that doesn't mean that you can't actually be shy, or introverted. Many successful scientists are very introverted and even some are quite far out on the autism spectrum. Shyness isn't a defect or a flaw, it is just a personal tendency. Introverted people, in fact, often are extremely productive as they gather internal strength from reflection, consideration, and thought.



    But the trick is to learn to act as if you have a different set of preferences than you actually do. You can act like an extrovert naturally would even while remaining an introvert. You play a role in public situations that lets your thoughts and needs get notice in the deliberations and conversations.



    But it is a skill that can be difficult to learn. I know, and I did it. The "face" that I show to the world has evolved over time. I once suffered from an "inability" to speak up when I should have and it cost me extra years in a doctoral program. But after that, I learned how to play the role so that my ideas weren't ignored by those with a bigger mouth.



    In fact, you aren't limited by your shyness unless you let it overcome you. You can look people straight in the eye and explain your ideas to them. You don't need to defer to louder people.



    One person, a friend, who is very prominent in the CS community and is a marvelous public speaker is naturally, and in person, extremely quiet and has some characteristics of autism. But he taught himself to do what needed to be done to have his ideas accepted and to act in public in a way that seems to others to be comfortable, even if it is not. One of his tricks was to join an acting group in which he learned how to "put on" a role and act within that role.



    Some people just freeze when confronted. Other people explode into inappropriate behavior. Both of these need to be avoided. Practice is what you need to overcome them if you tend to do that. Preparation for meetings, with notes on what you might want to say can help.



    Finally, let me note that people reading your several posts here probably don't think of you as a shy person. In your writing, you are able to say what you want to say. Some of that is the anonymity that the site affords. In a sense, you can hide the "real you" behind a certain invented persona. The trick is to learn to do that same thing in person. Invent a persona for yourself and act in the way it suggests, hiding your "real self". Yes, I do the same thing here as Buffy.






    share|improve this answer





















    • 1





      Buffy, thanks so much for this answer! I touched me deeply and especially the last paragraph.

      – Monkia
      2 hours ago
















    12












    12








    12







    This answer will only focus on long term strategies that might help you avoid such situations as you move forward.



    To succeed in academia you can't really seem to be shy and certainly not seen to be less of a contributor because of it. No matter how good your ideas are, if they don't get considered then you have very little impact.



    However, that doesn't mean that you can't actually be shy, or introverted. Many successful scientists are very introverted and even some are quite far out on the autism spectrum. Shyness isn't a defect or a flaw, it is just a personal tendency. Introverted people, in fact, often are extremely productive as they gather internal strength from reflection, consideration, and thought.



    But the trick is to learn to act as if you have a different set of preferences than you actually do. You can act like an extrovert naturally would even while remaining an introvert. You play a role in public situations that lets your thoughts and needs get notice in the deliberations and conversations.



    But it is a skill that can be difficult to learn. I know, and I did it. The "face" that I show to the world has evolved over time. I once suffered from an "inability" to speak up when I should have and it cost me extra years in a doctoral program. But after that, I learned how to play the role so that my ideas weren't ignored by those with a bigger mouth.



    In fact, you aren't limited by your shyness unless you let it overcome you. You can look people straight in the eye and explain your ideas to them. You don't need to defer to louder people.



    One person, a friend, who is very prominent in the CS community and is a marvelous public speaker is naturally, and in person, extremely quiet and has some characteristics of autism. But he taught himself to do what needed to be done to have his ideas accepted and to act in public in a way that seems to others to be comfortable, even if it is not. One of his tricks was to join an acting group in which he learned how to "put on" a role and act within that role.



    Some people just freeze when confronted. Other people explode into inappropriate behavior. Both of these need to be avoided. Practice is what you need to overcome them if you tend to do that. Preparation for meetings, with notes on what you might want to say can help.



    Finally, let me note that people reading your several posts here probably don't think of you as a shy person. In your writing, you are able to say what you want to say. Some of that is the anonymity that the site affords. In a sense, you can hide the "real you" behind a certain invented persona. The trick is to learn to do that same thing in person. Invent a persona for yourself and act in the way it suggests, hiding your "real self". Yes, I do the same thing here as Buffy.






    share|improve this answer















    This answer will only focus on long term strategies that might help you avoid such situations as you move forward.



    To succeed in academia you can't really seem to be shy and certainly not seen to be less of a contributor because of it. No matter how good your ideas are, if they don't get considered then you have very little impact.



    However, that doesn't mean that you can't actually be shy, or introverted. Many successful scientists are very introverted and even some are quite far out on the autism spectrum. Shyness isn't a defect or a flaw, it is just a personal tendency. Introverted people, in fact, often are extremely productive as they gather internal strength from reflection, consideration, and thought.



    But the trick is to learn to act as if you have a different set of preferences than you actually do. You can act like an extrovert naturally would even while remaining an introvert. You play a role in public situations that lets your thoughts and needs get notice in the deliberations and conversations.



    But it is a skill that can be difficult to learn. I know, and I did it. The "face" that I show to the world has evolved over time. I once suffered from an "inability" to speak up when I should have and it cost me extra years in a doctoral program. But after that, I learned how to play the role so that my ideas weren't ignored by those with a bigger mouth.



    In fact, you aren't limited by your shyness unless you let it overcome you. You can look people straight in the eye and explain your ideas to them. You don't need to defer to louder people.



    One person, a friend, who is very prominent in the CS community and is a marvelous public speaker is naturally, and in person, extremely quiet and has some characteristics of autism. But he taught himself to do what needed to be done to have his ideas accepted and to act in public in a way that seems to others to be comfortable, even if it is not. One of his tricks was to join an acting group in which he learned how to "put on" a role and act within that role.



    Some people just freeze when confronted. Other people explode into inappropriate behavior. Both of these need to be avoided. Practice is what you need to overcome them if you tend to do that. Preparation for meetings, with notes on what you might want to say can help.



    Finally, let me note that people reading your several posts here probably don't think of you as a shy person. In your writing, you are able to say what you want to say. Some of that is the anonymity that the site affords. In a sense, you can hide the "real you" behind a certain invented persona. The trick is to learn to do that same thing in person. Invent a persona for yourself and act in the way it suggests, hiding your "real self". Yes, I do the same thing here as Buffy.







    share|improve this answer














    share|improve this answer



    share|improve this answer








    edited 2 hours ago









    Mark Rogers

    11916




    11916










    answered 7 hours ago









    BuffyBuffy

    45.1k12144231




    45.1k12144231








    • 1





      Buffy, thanks so much for this answer! I touched me deeply and especially the last paragraph.

      – Monkia
      2 hours ago
















    • 1





      Buffy, thanks so much for this answer! I touched me deeply and especially the last paragraph.

      – Monkia
      2 hours ago










    1




    1





    Buffy, thanks so much for this answer! I touched me deeply and especially the last paragraph.

    – Monkia
    2 hours ago







    Buffy, thanks so much for this answer! I touched me deeply and especially the last paragraph.

    – Monkia
    2 hours ago













    14














    The situation is hard to evaluate without knowing exactly what the PI told you. I feel, however, that the problem here is not necessarely that you are a shy or timid person, but that you did not respect a unwritten social convention.




    Today, in the lab we have a birthday, I had participated, but not so much as I feel anxious in the crowded areas. I felt very shy and that's is true, I withdraw from the party after 15 minutes and wished everyone the good.




    Birthday parties or other celebrations are often moments where links between colleagues are created. In some cultures, leaving off after 15 minutes could be considered rude.




    The PI ( head of the lab) informed I cannot assign two shy people to work together ( me and the prospective supervisor) as he thought we are going to fail to make a significant work.




    This is a very strange thing to say to a prospective student, but, as research involves communication, the PI might fear that two extremely shy person could have problems with that essential part of research.



    From your own account, you seem anxious in social events but you say that this is not a problem in professional event. You could ask for a meeting with the PI and simply explain that; ideally, you would provide proofs by the things you did that professional communication is not an issue.



    However, I would suggest to be careful. If you found the PI rude now, you might want to find another lab.






    share|improve this answer



















    • 3





      Emilie, actually I figured out that he is racist, he said that people from my same nationality are aloof and are not similar to people from his own nationality, I told him I am a special case and that is my personality. Actually, I am considering looking for other labs as I cannot endure this behaviour for a couple of years.

      – Monkia
      2 hours ago


















    14














    The situation is hard to evaluate without knowing exactly what the PI told you. I feel, however, that the problem here is not necessarely that you are a shy or timid person, but that you did not respect a unwritten social convention.




    Today, in the lab we have a birthday, I had participated, but not so much as I feel anxious in the crowded areas. I felt very shy and that's is true, I withdraw from the party after 15 minutes and wished everyone the good.




    Birthday parties or other celebrations are often moments where links between colleagues are created. In some cultures, leaving off after 15 minutes could be considered rude.




    The PI ( head of the lab) informed I cannot assign two shy people to work together ( me and the prospective supervisor) as he thought we are going to fail to make a significant work.




    This is a very strange thing to say to a prospective student, but, as research involves communication, the PI might fear that two extremely shy person could have problems with that essential part of research.



    From your own account, you seem anxious in social events but you say that this is not a problem in professional event. You could ask for a meeting with the PI and simply explain that; ideally, you would provide proofs by the things you did that professional communication is not an issue.



    However, I would suggest to be careful. If you found the PI rude now, you might want to find another lab.






    share|improve this answer



















    • 3





      Emilie, actually I figured out that he is racist, he said that people from my same nationality are aloof and are not similar to people from his own nationality, I told him I am a special case and that is my personality. Actually, I am considering looking for other labs as I cannot endure this behaviour for a couple of years.

      – Monkia
      2 hours ago
















    14












    14








    14







    The situation is hard to evaluate without knowing exactly what the PI told you. I feel, however, that the problem here is not necessarely that you are a shy or timid person, but that you did not respect a unwritten social convention.




    Today, in the lab we have a birthday, I had participated, but not so much as I feel anxious in the crowded areas. I felt very shy and that's is true, I withdraw from the party after 15 minutes and wished everyone the good.




    Birthday parties or other celebrations are often moments where links between colleagues are created. In some cultures, leaving off after 15 minutes could be considered rude.




    The PI ( head of the lab) informed I cannot assign two shy people to work together ( me and the prospective supervisor) as he thought we are going to fail to make a significant work.




    This is a very strange thing to say to a prospective student, but, as research involves communication, the PI might fear that two extremely shy person could have problems with that essential part of research.



    From your own account, you seem anxious in social events but you say that this is not a problem in professional event. You could ask for a meeting with the PI and simply explain that; ideally, you would provide proofs by the things you did that professional communication is not an issue.



    However, I would suggest to be careful. If you found the PI rude now, you might want to find another lab.






    share|improve this answer













    The situation is hard to evaluate without knowing exactly what the PI told you. I feel, however, that the problem here is not necessarely that you are a shy or timid person, but that you did not respect a unwritten social convention.




    Today, in the lab we have a birthday, I had participated, but not so much as I feel anxious in the crowded areas. I felt very shy and that's is true, I withdraw from the party after 15 minutes and wished everyone the good.




    Birthday parties or other celebrations are often moments where links between colleagues are created. In some cultures, leaving off after 15 minutes could be considered rude.




    The PI ( head of the lab) informed I cannot assign two shy people to work together ( me and the prospective supervisor) as he thought we are going to fail to make a significant work.




    This is a very strange thing to say to a prospective student, but, as research involves communication, the PI might fear that two extremely shy person could have problems with that essential part of research.



    From your own account, you seem anxious in social events but you say that this is not a problem in professional event. You could ask for a meeting with the PI and simply explain that; ideally, you would provide proofs by the things you did that professional communication is not an issue.



    However, I would suggest to be careful. If you found the PI rude now, you might want to find another lab.







    share|improve this answer












    share|improve this answer



    share|improve this answer










    answered 7 hours ago









    EmilieEmilie

    5,1841824




    5,1841824








    • 3





      Emilie, actually I figured out that he is racist, he said that people from my same nationality are aloof and are not similar to people from his own nationality, I told him I am a special case and that is my personality. Actually, I am considering looking for other labs as I cannot endure this behaviour for a couple of years.

      – Monkia
      2 hours ago
















    • 3





      Emilie, actually I figured out that he is racist, he said that people from my same nationality are aloof and are not similar to people from his own nationality, I told him I am a special case and that is my personality. Actually, I am considering looking for other labs as I cannot endure this behaviour for a couple of years.

      – Monkia
      2 hours ago










    3




    3





    Emilie, actually I figured out that he is racist, he said that people from my same nationality are aloof and are not similar to people from his own nationality, I told him I am a special case and that is my personality. Actually, I am considering looking for other labs as I cannot endure this behaviour for a couple of years.

    – Monkia
    2 hours ago







    Emilie, actually I figured out that he is racist, he said that people from my same nationality are aloof and are not similar to people from his own nationality, I told him I am a special case and that is my personality. Actually, I am considering looking for other labs as I cannot endure this behaviour for a couple of years.

    – Monkia
    2 hours ago













    0














    It's one of the more disgusting facets of our society that Type B people want to be left alone, but Type A people are rabid in their efforts to change Type B's into Type A's. I don't like noise but I'm told that I "don't like to have fun." Something is wrong with me because I'd like to be able to talk to the person I'm with rather than have a band screaming in my ears all night. And they NEED to fix me. What I consider fun isn't. Only what they consider fun.



    This bigotry is subtle, pervasive and devastating. If your shyness is the result of an emotional disorder, all the more crushing and ostracizing this is. And probably no place is it so concentrated as academia (as you can witness on this stack exchange daily.) "You play by our rules or you don't play at all." Type A's are bullies, and that's exactly what this PI is doing. Either be just like him, always agree with him or he throws a tantrum and somehow it's YOUR fault.



    What to do? Say, "You're trying to bully the wrong person," and walk away. Repeat as needed.






    share|improve this answer




























      0














      It's one of the more disgusting facets of our society that Type B people want to be left alone, but Type A people are rabid in their efforts to change Type B's into Type A's. I don't like noise but I'm told that I "don't like to have fun." Something is wrong with me because I'd like to be able to talk to the person I'm with rather than have a band screaming in my ears all night. And they NEED to fix me. What I consider fun isn't. Only what they consider fun.



      This bigotry is subtle, pervasive and devastating. If your shyness is the result of an emotional disorder, all the more crushing and ostracizing this is. And probably no place is it so concentrated as academia (as you can witness on this stack exchange daily.) "You play by our rules or you don't play at all." Type A's are bullies, and that's exactly what this PI is doing. Either be just like him, always agree with him or he throws a tantrum and somehow it's YOUR fault.



      What to do? Say, "You're trying to bully the wrong person," and walk away. Repeat as needed.






      share|improve this answer


























        0












        0








        0







        It's one of the more disgusting facets of our society that Type B people want to be left alone, but Type A people are rabid in their efforts to change Type B's into Type A's. I don't like noise but I'm told that I "don't like to have fun." Something is wrong with me because I'd like to be able to talk to the person I'm with rather than have a band screaming in my ears all night. And they NEED to fix me. What I consider fun isn't. Only what they consider fun.



        This bigotry is subtle, pervasive and devastating. If your shyness is the result of an emotional disorder, all the more crushing and ostracizing this is. And probably no place is it so concentrated as academia (as you can witness on this stack exchange daily.) "You play by our rules or you don't play at all." Type A's are bullies, and that's exactly what this PI is doing. Either be just like him, always agree with him or he throws a tantrum and somehow it's YOUR fault.



        What to do? Say, "You're trying to bully the wrong person," and walk away. Repeat as needed.






        share|improve this answer













        It's one of the more disgusting facets of our society that Type B people want to be left alone, but Type A people are rabid in their efforts to change Type B's into Type A's. I don't like noise but I'm told that I "don't like to have fun." Something is wrong with me because I'd like to be able to talk to the person I'm with rather than have a band screaming in my ears all night. And they NEED to fix me. What I consider fun isn't. Only what they consider fun.



        This bigotry is subtle, pervasive and devastating. If your shyness is the result of an emotional disorder, all the more crushing and ostracizing this is. And probably no place is it so concentrated as academia (as you can witness on this stack exchange daily.) "You play by our rules or you don't play at all." Type A's are bullies, and that's exactly what this PI is doing. Either be just like him, always agree with him or he throws a tantrum and somehow it's YOUR fault.



        What to do? Say, "You're trying to bully the wrong person," and walk away. Repeat as needed.







        share|improve this answer












        share|improve this answer



        share|improve this answer










        answered 38 mins ago









        B. GoddardB. Goddard

        4,75521118




        4,75521118























            -4














            End of the day, you need to buckle down and do good science. Run experiments. Write them up. Publish. Be a little motor that churns and works and moves forward. Not one that is always asking questions. [This is the answer to "what should I do?" Which is the actual question part of your story.]



            P.s. On the marriage concerns, this site is very persnickety about off topic posting. Personally I think there is nothing wrong with your wanting a mate. I feel ya. It is a natural human biological drive. Our hearts are programmed for it. All that said, I doubt you will find reflective advice in many corners of the Internet. But if you want killer advice, I recommend joining a running club. The odds are good. And the goods are...good. [And I would avoid the "somebody was mean to me, what do I do" in any discussions with potential suitors.]






            share|improve this answer










            New contributor




            guest is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
            Check out our Code of Conduct.
















            • 1





              The OP never mention wanting to have a 'mate'. This part of the answer is highly inappropriate and irrelevant

              – Emilie
              5 hours ago






            • 3





              Third para: "I lose many social opportunities likely marriage opportunities"

              – guest
              5 hours ago






            • 3





              Yes, but she did not say she wanted one, she said she lost opportunities. Brushing off her preoccupation about her PI is not helping, but adding on top of that a reference to her marital situation sounds a lot like (unvoluntary) sexism.

              – Emilie
              5 hours ago











            • guest, I think you are kind to the extent you tried to give me the advice to enhance my social life which is off-topic, however, I do agree with your answer, your success in professional and personal complement each other, finding good people in work-place or in my life is a biological need and it is not restricted to a marriage itself.

              – Monkia
              2 hours ago


















            -4














            End of the day, you need to buckle down and do good science. Run experiments. Write them up. Publish. Be a little motor that churns and works and moves forward. Not one that is always asking questions. [This is the answer to "what should I do?" Which is the actual question part of your story.]



            P.s. On the marriage concerns, this site is very persnickety about off topic posting. Personally I think there is nothing wrong with your wanting a mate. I feel ya. It is a natural human biological drive. Our hearts are programmed for it. All that said, I doubt you will find reflective advice in many corners of the Internet. But if you want killer advice, I recommend joining a running club. The odds are good. And the goods are...good. [And I would avoid the "somebody was mean to me, what do I do" in any discussions with potential suitors.]






            share|improve this answer










            New contributor




            guest is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
            Check out our Code of Conduct.
















            • 1





              The OP never mention wanting to have a 'mate'. This part of the answer is highly inappropriate and irrelevant

              – Emilie
              5 hours ago






            • 3





              Third para: "I lose many social opportunities likely marriage opportunities"

              – guest
              5 hours ago






            • 3





              Yes, but she did not say she wanted one, she said she lost opportunities. Brushing off her preoccupation about her PI is not helping, but adding on top of that a reference to her marital situation sounds a lot like (unvoluntary) sexism.

              – Emilie
              5 hours ago











            • guest, I think you are kind to the extent you tried to give me the advice to enhance my social life which is off-topic, however, I do agree with your answer, your success in professional and personal complement each other, finding good people in work-place or in my life is a biological need and it is not restricted to a marriage itself.

              – Monkia
              2 hours ago
















            -4












            -4








            -4







            End of the day, you need to buckle down and do good science. Run experiments. Write them up. Publish. Be a little motor that churns and works and moves forward. Not one that is always asking questions. [This is the answer to "what should I do?" Which is the actual question part of your story.]



            P.s. On the marriage concerns, this site is very persnickety about off topic posting. Personally I think there is nothing wrong with your wanting a mate. I feel ya. It is a natural human biological drive. Our hearts are programmed for it. All that said, I doubt you will find reflective advice in many corners of the Internet. But if you want killer advice, I recommend joining a running club. The odds are good. And the goods are...good. [And I would avoid the "somebody was mean to me, what do I do" in any discussions with potential suitors.]






            share|improve this answer










            New contributor




            guest is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
            Check out our Code of Conduct.










            End of the day, you need to buckle down and do good science. Run experiments. Write them up. Publish. Be a little motor that churns and works and moves forward. Not one that is always asking questions. [This is the answer to "what should I do?" Which is the actual question part of your story.]



            P.s. On the marriage concerns, this site is very persnickety about off topic posting. Personally I think there is nothing wrong with your wanting a mate. I feel ya. It is a natural human biological drive. Our hearts are programmed for it. All that said, I doubt you will find reflective advice in many corners of the Internet. But if you want killer advice, I recommend joining a running club. The odds are good. And the goods are...good. [And I would avoid the "somebody was mean to me, what do I do" in any discussions with potential suitors.]







            share|improve this answer










            New contributor




            guest is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
            Check out our Code of Conduct.









            share|improve this answer



            share|improve this answer








            edited 5 hours ago





















            New contributor




            guest is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
            Check out our Code of Conduct.









            answered 6 hours ago









            guestguest

            992




            992




            New contributor




            guest is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
            Check out our Code of Conduct.





            New contributor





            guest is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
            Check out our Code of Conduct.






            guest is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
            Check out our Code of Conduct.








            • 1





              The OP never mention wanting to have a 'mate'. This part of the answer is highly inappropriate and irrelevant

              – Emilie
              5 hours ago






            • 3





              Third para: "I lose many social opportunities likely marriage opportunities"

              – guest
              5 hours ago






            • 3





              Yes, but she did not say she wanted one, she said she lost opportunities. Brushing off her preoccupation about her PI is not helping, but adding on top of that a reference to her marital situation sounds a lot like (unvoluntary) sexism.

              – Emilie
              5 hours ago











            • guest, I think you are kind to the extent you tried to give me the advice to enhance my social life which is off-topic, however, I do agree with your answer, your success in professional and personal complement each other, finding good people in work-place or in my life is a biological need and it is not restricted to a marriage itself.

              – Monkia
              2 hours ago
















            • 1





              The OP never mention wanting to have a 'mate'. This part of the answer is highly inappropriate and irrelevant

              – Emilie
              5 hours ago






            • 3





              Third para: "I lose many social opportunities likely marriage opportunities"

              – guest
              5 hours ago






            • 3





              Yes, but she did not say she wanted one, she said she lost opportunities. Brushing off her preoccupation about her PI is not helping, but adding on top of that a reference to her marital situation sounds a lot like (unvoluntary) sexism.

              – Emilie
              5 hours ago











            • guest, I think you are kind to the extent you tried to give me the advice to enhance my social life which is off-topic, however, I do agree with your answer, your success in professional and personal complement each other, finding good people in work-place or in my life is a biological need and it is not restricted to a marriage itself.

              – Monkia
              2 hours ago










            1




            1





            The OP never mention wanting to have a 'mate'. This part of the answer is highly inappropriate and irrelevant

            – Emilie
            5 hours ago





            The OP never mention wanting to have a 'mate'. This part of the answer is highly inappropriate and irrelevant

            – Emilie
            5 hours ago




            3




            3





            Third para: "I lose many social opportunities likely marriage opportunities"

            – guest
            5 hours ago





            Third para: "I lose many social opportunities likely marriage opportunities"

            – guest
            5 hours ago




            3




            3





            Yes, but she did not say she wanted one, she said she lost opportunities. Brushing off her preoccupation about her PI is not helping, but adding on top of that a reference to her marital situation sounds a lot like (unvoluntary) sexism.

            – Emilie
            5 hours ago





            Yes, but she did not say she wanted one, she said she lost opportunities. Brushing off her preoccupation about her PI is not helping, but adding on top of that a reference to her marital situation sounds a lot like (unvoluntary) sexism.

            – Emilie
            5 hours ago













            guest, I think you are kind to the extent you tried to give me the advice to enhance my social life which is off-topic, however, I do agree with your answer, your success in professional and personal complement each other, finding good people in work-place or in my life is a biological need and it is not restricted to a marriage itself.

            – Monkia
            2 hours ago







            guest, I think you are kind to the extent you tried to give me the advice to enhance my social life which is off-topic, however, I do agree with your answer, your success in professional and personal complement each other, finding good people in work-place or in my life is a biological need and it is not restricted to a marriage itself.

            – Monkia
            2 hours ago




















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